In every letters I wrote.

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I wish I could see the fine line,
Between imagination and reality,
The moment of escape,
Against the moment of painful truth,

If only there is a door,
That could take me,
To a safe place,
Away from all the walls,

I saw in glimpses,
In every letters I wrote.

Penat dan ingin pergi.

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Segala apa yang aku rasa,
Tersekat di dalam dada,
Ingin diluahkan semua,
Hilang rasa dan suara,

Aku kian jauh,
Semakin jatuh,
Menggapai harapan,
Ingin diselamatkan,

Tapi tiada tempat,
Untuk aku berpegang,
Makin hilang semua,
Nafas semakin hilang,

Biarpun aku menjerit,
Menahan sakit perit,
Aku tetap disini,
Penat dan ingin pergi.

I wolf you, Love. (A tribute to Love Quinn from YOU)

I want you to know,
I love all the things,
That you do for me,
And I want you to feel,
Happier here,

How can I forget,
How can I erase,
The sweetness of your smile,
The kindness of your eyes,
And the love that you share,

I don’t want to lose,
The fire burning in you,
The passion of wanting you,
And the endless desire,
That keeps me alive,

I don’t want to forget,
All the moments that we had,
I want to keep it forever here,
Till the end of time,
I wolf you, Love.

The only happy ending I can think of for the couple is, Joe focuses on building a better foundation for Love and Henry. Love is healing and need a strong support from her husband. I’m writing this from a perspective that Joe became a husband that focuses more on recovering and build a family instead of chasing fantasies.

It totally shows how the series affected me.

Ally’s Thoughts: YOU (Season Three Netflix Series)

How are you? I hope you are doing well. I know I’m not really doing well but I am working my way. Few hours ago, I have watched the season three of You. It is a Netflix series that I’ve started to watch last year. I even made a post about it. I’ll leave the link to the first post down below.

Ally’s Thoughts: YOU

Did I skipped writing about season two? Yes. I feel like season one and two have a strong resemblance while trying to tie all the lose ends. So, nothing really strikes me to write something down. However, season three for me is something really refreshing and a theme on its own.

Before I go even further, spoilers alert and as always, my thoughts are not about how the series is good or bad. It is just some personal thoughts that I feel I really want to share when I watched it. Again, if you haven’t watch the series, just skip this post.

I was anxious, yet excited!

Not even ten minutes into the first episode, I was so anxious about the whole situation they were into. Can they really be a normal couple? I can’t help to think who would be the casualty in the series. I couldn’t stop thinking about body counts… I am referring to the dead bodies throughout the series. Every single time the series introduced a new character, the thought on my head is… will this character die? Will this one get killed? It is constantly in my mind.

However, I really love the progress of Joe and Love are making. Both of them are crazy but I really love the dynamic between the two of them. Out of all the ‘You’ Joe had, I really love, Love Quinn character. I believe she is a strong and capable woman. If her character develops beyond the story and things really get together, she will be super successful. Plus, the actress, Victoria Pedretti instantly becomes my celebrity crush. Okay, back to the series.

Marriage scares me.

I know that Joe and Love have their own twisted personalities. Both of them came from different background growing up with traumas that defined their adulthood. I can see where they are coming from, their obsessiveness, overprotectiveness, impulsiveness, and all the values that led them to where they are. I kind of understand the flaws inside of me. I really believe that I am not perfect and I made mistakes and probably will too in the future.

Being alone is about me having to deal with all these by myself. However, some things can be a long stretch battle and I don’t know if I am capable to heal or get over it one day. Imagine having so much issues and trying to get through it is hard. Now, add another person. Some people probably overcome and able to handle things. What if I don’t?

I do believe in the process of healing. I do believe that people can get better. If only they want to go through it together and be a team. It’s not that I don’t believe in it, I just have so many doubts in me right now.

Expectation and happiness.

I recently joined a course in Coursera called The Science of Well-Being and one of the topic in discussion was how we think we will be happier with expectation. When we expect to find a job making certain amount per year would make us happy, but it only make us happy a little bit or not at all.

Joe and Love have their own definition of being a perfect parent. Despite both of them have a dark history and personalities. They carries different value in themselves. Somehow, thing went the opposite. Both only sees their own values and belief while tiptoeing among each other.

They tried to improve their relationship but the moment they saw different things, it went south.

It saddened me.

The finale saddened me. I really love the dynamic between Joe and Love. I was running different scenarios in my head on how the season would end. It’s either one of them died. Or both of them survived. Personally, I would love to see them on the run and somehow managed to kill the whole town if necessary. That would certainly be a plot that I want to see. But, that wouldn’t fit the title and the original storyline.

So, I am open for fan-fic at this moment. Overall, I really love the series. It’s really heartbreaking to see the ending. It’s really hard to see a happy ending in such dark and grim series.

Can I find a partner to be on my team?

I learned that life is a long journey as long as I’m still breathing. There are many encounters, mistakes, lessons and everything that will help me grow. I understand that well. I’ve seen so many people found new beginnings after some things ended.

I don’t believe in perfection but I believe in contentment. Perfect is just a façade to cover my own weaknesses. I’m not looking for perfection but willingness. What do you think?

That’s all for now. I hope you enjoy reading it. It’s been raining here and I just feel like sleeping the whole day. Welcome Monsoon season.

Wishing you all the best. Till next time.

One too broken to reside.

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I know I’ve been writing too much,
About all the pain I have inside,
Probably the only outlet I have,
When I can’t rely on anyone else,

Sorry, if my words are too dark,
Too depressing and moody, bland inside,
Too solid like a concrete,
Nothing soft or abstract about it,

In every breath I take,
Weakens me like a kryptonite,
Slowly corrupting my mind,
Bereft of color,

It’s not that I never want to,
Write something charming and sweet,
But the mind have a different side,
One too broken to reside.

And not a step further to take.

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How am I here,
After all the screams and pain,
After all the tears and numbness,
And all the repeating episodes,

How am I here,
After all the terrible dreams,
After all the hopeful steps,
And all the people that came and left,

How am I here,
Living with this sickness,
Breathing with this madness,
And pretending all is well,

How am I here,
When my soul drifted away,
When my passion withers,
And not a step further to take.

I wish I could dream again

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I wish I could dream,
When I couldn’t,
So I can run away,
From all my problems,
Because life gets overwhelming,
From all the wound and scars,
From all the games and drama,

Let me be with positivity,
So I can heal peacefully,
The rest I could use,
To be released and free,
And feel brave again,
After all the wars and battles,
I wish I could dream again.

Repeating the cycle infinitely.

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‘ve been thinking too much lately,
About the things and absurdity,
Like how some people can easily,
Judge others unempathically,

Can’t help to ignore the pattern,
Clear as the sky unlikely hidden,
Most preaches about life and heaven,
Then they judge, rot in hell, heathen!

Then came those who sounds so sweet,
Inviting us for hell of a treat,
Wanting something more than meat,
Then leaving us all on the street,

I’ve been thinking to much lately,
Reaching to the point of insanity,
Arguing with myself endlessly,
Repeating the cycle infinitely.