Ally’s Thoughts: Will My Life Be Better?

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Hi everyone,

I just want to share my thoughts about a point of life which is death. I can’t help to express this as I saw a friend post about life. Perhaps, life has been pretty hard for her and punishing her too much. Perhaps life has been unfair to her and never given her the chance to breath. Perhaps life is too cruel that she is living in depression. Perhaps life will never give her the bright days ahead that she hoped for.

I want to help her and I know this is not the correct way. I should reach her out and listen. Help her in any possible ways. Perhaps I had the chance but I didn’t listen. Perhaps I’ve saw the signs but I ignored. Perhaps… I am not a good friend after all.

Whenever I heard friends around me talking about suicide. There is this deep inside telling me that, I need to reach out. I need to reach my hand. Help them and be somebody that they can rely on. Why I bothered so much? Because I was suicidal myself. I am a self-inflict too. Was.

I still remember my last attempt was when I was driving to work few years ago. The emotion was empty and tired. The images of me caught in an accident flashed again and again. Convincing myself, I will do it… I will do it.. I will do it… As my feet getting ready to hit the gas and my hand can’t stop shaking holding the steering. I don’t care about anyone. I don’t care about my family. I don’t care about this world. I don’t care about the afterlife. Because I know at that time. I decided this. I wanted this. I gave up and I don’t want to fight anymore. Why should I? It is easier to let myself free.

You know what stopped me? A radio talk.

I rarely listen to pop music radio. I prefer to listen to talk show and I was listening to an Islamic radio station. The guest was asking this…

Why we are shortening our life when it is already short?

I slowed down my drive and my ears totally into the talk show. He said, as a Muslim, we believe in the hereafter. An eternal destination. A place where we will spend ourselves forever and ever. Either the Jannah (Paradise) or Jahannam (Hell).

Our life span are 60 years old on average. In the hereafter, one day there is equal to around 60 years of our current world, he added. Now, imagine this… If we took ourselves to suicide, as our faith taught, we will be damned for eternity in Jahannam. For eternity just because we gave up. If you think 60 years is a long year, that is just one day in the hereafter.

Allah has given us the chance to use 60 years to make ourselves better. He gave us trials but not the ones that we can’t handle in this world. A trial for 60 years and you want to let it go. Where is your faith and believe? Didn’t Allah mentioned that Allah will tests us within our limit. Have you forgotten the first reason why you were created? Didn’t Allah created human and djinn to worship him? If you remember, did you worship him truly and still gave up? Means you did not believe in Him.

I was drowned in my thoughts that moment. What should you call this? Perfect timing? Coincidence? Luck? Fate? Call it whatever you want but I would call it a reminder. There are two ways to look here, if you are a Muslim, this is certainly a reminder from Allah. He is there watching you and giving you the signs that all you need to do is return to Him and asks for His help. If you are a non Muslim, take it as an advice. An advice from a talk show that tells you, life is already short and are you ready to spend it too soon?

If you said yes, are you sure? Are you sure that no one will be sad if you are no longer here? Are you sure that there are none that love and care for you? Are you sure that there is nothing you can do anymore? Are you sure that life is to be blamed? Are you sure that you couldn’t be stronger than you are now?

Have you ever thought why some people can still smile at hardship? Why some people with disabilities can still keep on achieving things in their life? Why some people looks so strong when they had to face uncertainties and challenges? Why some people made problems and troubles so easy to settle? You don’t have to be like them but you have to learn from them. Life was not easy for them too but they found the strength they need.

Yes! Find the strength that you need because I found mine. After that day, I decided that I need to lead myself better. Perhaps I can’t be a millionaire or a billionaire to blow all my problems away. But I can be a stronger and brighter person. I want to fight and I want to learn how to fight. I can’t be strong or fight without the proper preparation. Same goes in your life. If you feel beaten up and gave up, you are not yet properly prepared and ready.

It was not easy to be where I am now. When people told me that I am full of positivity and brightness, I would tell them, no I am not. I am just prepared. I may look like an optimistic guy not because I was born that way but I learned how to be one.

Have my life changed ever since? Yes it does. I learned to appreciate life. I have people around me died earlier than me. Some of them died in front of me. Leaving their last breath. Some in regret, some in satisfaction. Some was healthy and some was sick. They didn’t get their second chance. As for me, I am still breathing.

There are times in my life right now that it would be better if I just give up and end it. Yes, at times the idea still lingering around my head. As much as I hope that I did not wake up next morning, I still did. But what made it different is that… I woke up and do something about it. Then, I wait if tomorrow would be the day. Rather than, I woke up and do nothing and waiting my end tomorrow.

When you did something while you wait, you might achieved something and became  someone you wanted to be or never expected to be. Life is not about the dream alone but actions. Life can be hard and punishing, but the chance to beat it, is within you. If you are still breathing tomorrow, you still have a chance to be better. Don’t say life has not given you the chance. Your breath is your chance.

To be honest, whenever I  wrote something like this… I am afraid… It scares me that readers will misinterpret and take it the wrong way. It scares me if my words could not reach your heart. It scares me that I could not do anything about it.

Dear friend, you are a diamond. To some you may look like glasses because they do not know how to appreciate you. As for those who sees the worth in you, you are too precious to let go. May this words reached your heart as a prove that someone still care. Someone that cheers for you. Someone that believes in you.

Ally L. Mare

*A song to cheer yourself up

12 thoughts on “Ally’s Thoughts: Will My Life Be Better?

  1. Good intentions and I appreciate that. You should also keep in mind that if your friend suffers from clinical depression her view on the world and Suicide is distorted. She truly believes and is convinced, beyond reason and commonsense that no one would care if she died. Or that people trying to keep her here are being selfish because they don’t feel her suffering. I know, I know it is dim. But you can help by not trying to convince otherwise but just listen and try to understand. It helps tremendously. The feeling that someone truly sympathizes and understands makes a huge difference. Then you could encourage her to seek help. I speak from a position of experience. Both personal and professional, I’m not a psychologist but I have done it and played a role in helping at a non-personal capacity.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. deep thoughts and reflectin Ally, I am happy you found something, or rather allowed something to lift your mind and spirits that’s the inner strength you have given life to. Things are never perfect, people aren’t either and we seldom have control over so much. All we can do is be the best person we can at that very moment to a friend or person who crosses our path, nothing else , nothing more. Hopefully our honest actions and sincerity will touch them. I enjoyed reading this, knowing you a little more and better now. Reach out to me if you ever need a friendly talk or laugh, we are never so fr way for a coffee or a chat. Be blessed Ally!

    Liked by 1 person

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