Ally’s Thoughts: Losing Ally

red and blue hot air balloon floating on air on body of water during night time
Photo by Bess Hamiti on Pexels.com

Where have I been?

A question that probably best suited in my current situation. I am spending my time working… except, I am not actually living. More like, I am wasting my time and pretty much dull and boring. I am hopeless, dreamless and unmotivated. Basically, I am walking with my head down and there are walls between me and real life.

Waking up at 6 am and sleep at 10 pm. I’m at work from 8:45 pm until 5.30 pm. I arrived at home around 8 pm or later if I have unfinished tasks. I live my life like a robot with the same schedule again and again. No fun or excitement. Nothing really happening to keep me going on forward like a rocket need its fuel.

Weekend feels too short. First blink it is Saturday and the second blink, its already Sunday. As I blink for the third time, I am back at work. Weekdays dragging myself anchoring me and set my eyes on the next weekend. Where I mostly at home doing nothing except binge-ing on Netflix content. Season by season.

Where it went  wrong?

My senses are dull, my words are dry, my inspiration in drought, and my motivation shattered. My mind filled with anxiety and helpless puny tasks of work. My values in inspiration and creativity has turned black and white. Where I usually talk about ideas, dreams and hope in every interaction I could previously with my peers, is something that I never had the chance in my current workplace.

I have no one to blame except myself, I cannot fit in because I feel too different. I have no one that have the same wavelength as I do. Not even the same background or interest. Nothing would inspire me or spark my interest. Was my threshold on excitement too high? Or was it something else? I don’t feel I am being myself. I don’t feel I am Ally who loves to read and write. It used to bring me fun and joy in writing, my mind was fresh and active. I am slowly becoming emotionless and slowly turning into a robot.

I want it back. The joy and freedom of writing. The most time I feel so alive. I want to feel alive. Not this lazy unmotivated soul.

What about today?

I forced myself today. To write and look upon this wonderful community that I miss so much. Fellow friends and writers that staying strong. They keep on going. I realized that I have become those who suddenly out of radar and fades away, eroded by time.

I forced myself to listen my favorite piano playlist in Spotify – Piano in the background. No singing except melodious sound from a piano with various theme. This is the playlist that made me feel in the moment, a playlist that resonate to this heart of mine. Unknowingly, my eyes teary and I can’t help myself to sniffle.

I realized that writing and the blogging community is in a distant past. I don’t really know why I feel that way. By just thinking about it made me miss it so much. Even to write all this feels like I am reminiscing something that I have lost.

Where I am now?

I am drifting in space where I can’t reach anywhere without supply. I need my inspiration and motivation. I need the fun and excitement. I need the interaction of dream and hopes. I need to be Ally. A person who inspires and full of motivation. A person who is so passionate about writing that will poke a bit of sense to the one who reads. A person who writes silly and comedic poems.

I don’t want to float too long or I feel like I will lose myself more. I will lose Ally more.

24 thoughts on “Ally’s Thoughts: Losing Ally

  1. its so good to read your words Ally. missed you very much. coffee and soon? text me ok. lots to share with you. you will always have the writer’s spirit, it’s just resting for now. take care my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I realized that you had not been around lately. I don’t open my blog usually unless I am writing a new post. I asked myself “where is that person who was always reading and liking my posts no matter how long, personal, strange, or unskillful they are?” (Which was very uplifting for me) I found this post in my email and had to open it. Reading this makes me sad to know that person went away because they are suffering.
    I relate to this feeling so much, for years of my life I felt that I was doing nothing but losing myself day by day. However, we fight to bring ourselves back. So long as something insides you feels what is happening to it you will find a way. It’s not losing Ally but he is just away for a while. I hope that he will come back soon, and find a way to be a ‘functional’ human being without losing himself anymore. That he will find a way no matter what it takes. I know he will.

    Until then take care my friend, and know that someone out there feels with you and misses you.
    Peace and blessings be upon you always.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much. This is an honor for me. I really do enjoy your posts because it left me in awe. The imagery and forms gives uniqueness to your works. There are some piece that made me feel like reading a sufi piece as well.

      Again, thank you very much for the wonderful support. I hope you will keep on writing. I really appreciate it. Peace and blessings upon you too.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Reading this made me very happy as well. This means a lot to me. There is nothing to thank! I will do my best to keep writing, and I hope you will do the same. 🙂

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  3. I know i always feel like and god knows I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy. There’s a poetry event in damansara this weekend. I can’t go since I’m working. Please go on my behalf and tell me about it. I’ll tag you at twitter.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. my comment sound sound awful lol. don’t feel pressured to go lahh. truthfully, i get through all those gloomy posts on my blog by going out. even if it’s alone. it’s not one way work for all, but it is worth to try. you can always dm me, even the most random thing. i’m good at being random. and i’m funny. someone need to make a big sign of that.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No worries. I realized that I need to go out but recently my mind are more into Netflix. Its just that everyday I walked passed Bukit Bintang and I felt like I had more than enough walking around.

        Thank you very much for the concern. Really appreciate it. 😀

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  4. Sorry to hear Ally. I’ve been busy so haven’t had time to catch up on everyone’s writing. Tomorrow is another day. Write even if it’s two sentence just keep at it. Hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I stopped writing for a while because I had a baby. I felt a little lost not being on here and talking with other creative types. There really is a difference between people who get it and those who don’t. Find your tribe, if its on here then, great. If it’s not seek them out and don’t stop until you feel like you again.
    Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Congratulations! I didn’t know you had a baby. I was busy and I missed a lot of things too. Thank you for the support. I really appreciate it. Wishing you all the best!

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  6. Hey Ally, I know you say you lost inspiration and creativity but even between the words of this melancholic piece I see a fantastic arrangement of words. Just know that you haven’t lost your creative spark, I see it shining through. I am sorry you find yourself in a situation where you feel you cannot be yourself, but you always have us. Feel free to rant at will, I promise you that even in the darkness you create inspiration. I have recently returned from my own dark place, the spark of writing was dying, but I didn’t want to lose it and so like you I brought myself back to the WP community and as usual they welcomed me with open arms.

    I do hope in time you can go back to writing about more upbeat subject matters. Sending you positive vibes and hugs from Sweden! ❤

    Remember, Write Ally! Write!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much, Sara. I really appreciate your kind words. Its really assuring to hear from you who experienced the same thing.

      Again, thank you very much for the support. I hope you will find strength to get through ahead. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  7. You have been missed here and your charming words. Schedules and work take up so much of our time that we tend to forget about the little fun things in life. We have to try and make a little time for them, even though, it is difficult.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I have missed your writing. I do not go on here much but when I do, I’d always go to your page to see what you have written. It seems, I too have lost that will and drive to write but recently I tried to come up with something. It’s one post but it took hours of my time, my head just cranking and working till finally words flew out. I guess what I’m trying to say is, writing is and will always be our passion, but sometimes we’re simply stuck. We’ll surely find our way back. Keep on writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the support, nazreads. I totally understand how tedious to be stuck in that moment. Keep on writing too and I’m wishing you all the best to fire up the passion again.

      Like

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