Few days ago, I found this wonderful anime in Netflix. It was a short 13 episodes anime but the impact it brought upon my unstable mind was big. A little bit of synopsis on the anime.
In Matsumoto, Naho Takamiya, a second year high school student, receives letters sent from herself 10 years into the future. Her future self asks her to prevent her “biggest regrets”, which has something to do with the new transfer student from Tokyo, a boy named Kakeru Naruse.
Be reminded that this is not a review. Ally’s thoughts are mostly about my thoughts on certain matters and in this post, it is about an anime. Personally for me, this anime is not just an ordinary ‘slice of life’ genre. It talks about something specific as we human sometimes casually did, being in regret.
In our every day life, we tend to feel regret over many things. The regret can came from small mundane and trifle matters or it can be something really big that changed our life forever. Be it small or big, having regrets can be painful and unbearable.
There are so many regrets in the anime that was brought up, regrets that cannot be changed even after years of their life. One particular character that I want to share is Kakeru Naruse, the guy that the others were trying to save. Why they need to save him? Let’s just say that they, which is his classmates later turned friends were regretting over his death even after 10 years later. So, they intended to save his life from death. It was years later after Kakeru’s death that they learned, it was not an accident but a suicide.
For those who have similar thoughts like Kakeru, you will mostly familiar on how Kakeru felt about his life. He thought that it was his fault his mother passed away, because of suicide. He felt guilty and grief over it. He made bad choices and unable to speak out to his friends. He can only laugh it out and no one was able to penetrate deep into his heart. That is where things get ugly and he decided its not worth it anymore.
From my perspective, I totally understand how it feels. There are times when I feel that is it worth it to keep on going? I have so many regrets and its scary that it came back to haunts me. I just don’t know whats best for me. Maybe I don’t deserves the best. Maybe I don’t deserves anything. Slowly I hate myself, for making mistakes, for having regrets, for being me. I am unable to pick myself up.
Whenever I go out, meeting people, I laugh and enjoy it but when I am all alone, I am alone. No one is around to listen or to share how I feel. The feel of being engulfed by darkness and loneliness are the things that I have to face daily. It overwhelms everything that I did to help myself.
Then I started to think of ending all these. Why I should be facing things like this? As I keep going, I realized that I keep repeating the same mistakes. Whats good from all this? Isn’t it much easier if I am no longer here? These questions keeps playing inside my head. A war between consciousness and running away from reality.
I am not sure of where I am now when it comes to this emotion. There are times I feel I should just go away but I don’t know what anchors me down. Maybe because I complaint little and made myself numb over things. Maybe I want to be a robot but a little piece of my heart said… I have dreams and hopes. Things to look forward. However, all those requires me to give effort and it feels troublesome.
In the end, I don’t know…
As a conclusion, I hope all of you are doing well. I am left speechless after giving my thoughts. I felt that I dig my own graves.
All the best!