The door for me is lost

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I’m having a hard time to relate,
With all the sadness from a heartbreak,
Of all the people around me,
I’ve been there and it was sick,

I’m not being condescending,
Your pain and suffering is valid too,
It’s just the pain in me stop responding,
Because I’m losing my rationality too,

As much as I’m done with loneliness,
Thinking my life is meaningless,
I’m tired of thinking hopes,
The door for me is lost

Itu semua aku.

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Saat ketika ini,
Aku diam bersendiri,
Riuh tetap sepi,
Dibelenggu rasa hati,

Duduk diam terpaku,
Badan keras kaku,
Tiada rasa mahu,
Tiada rasa malu,

Usia semakin tua,
Kudrat demikian rupa,
Usahkan rasa kerja,
Hidup tiada perasa,

Ditanya apa punca,
Malas buka cerita,
Hujung pangkal tiada,
Sengaja hendak dilupa,

Mungkin kurang cinta,
Iman di dada,
Bekas parut lama,
Atau kurangnya irama,

Tiada yang tahu,,
Tiada yang mahu,
Tiada yang bantu,
Itu semua aku.

That usually binds me.

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It is times like this,
That I don’t want to feel.
I don’t want to think,
I just want to be disconnected,
To the rest of the world,
Like taking a long break,
Without anything to bother me,
Without anything violating my thoughts,
Without anything to bring me down,
Just me, and myself,
Enjoying the little sweet time,
Avoiding reality,
Escaping the things,
That usually binds me.

Ally’s Thoughts: Absorbing Energy and Thoughts

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Dear friends and readers,

I hope you are staying safe and healthy. We are still in the pandemic and affecting our lives more or less. It sure hit me hard especially on my mental health.

On this post, I want to share my on how the things going on around me affected me so much. Some of the things happened directly, some I came across my social media feeds. I wish to add some trigger warnings that may affect you.

The Numbing Days

Ever since the year started, I’ve lost few relatives. Some from cancer, COVID, and other reason. It affected my mood and I don’t even have the time to reconcile with my own feeling and emotions. I only choose to suppress the thoughts and keep on going. I started to burn out and depression kicks in quickly. To add the numbness, I had to manage some of the death directly because of unavoidable circumstances.

Some of them, I had been helping to take care while they were bed ridden. Yesterday they were still breathing, they were gone the next day. To be a part of the process is overwhelming too. From the moment they took their last breath, calling the ambulance, making police report, then, to the burial ground. Some were a bit of hassle, especially in hospital. Some with lack of proper documentations, costly procedures, and time consuming.

Even after everything is completed, its probably just the first part. I am still not able to reflect on the things going on and keep on moving while ignoring the pain inside me.

Lack of Happiness

During this long lockdown in Malaysia, my days are mostly spent at home with pending work. Adding and piling up anxieties. I am torn between work and lack of motivation. I need my time and space. While I am able to go out to buy groceries, it doesn’t feel the same.

I am used to find my joy outside. I’m used to take long commute from home to work. I want to be on the train. I want to take long walk among the crowd. I want to sit and have my food in a restaurant. It doesn’t matter if I’m alone because I am enjoying it.

I did find distractions but it was not enough. I’m not sure what count as being happy when I spent most of the time feeling nothing. Then came the creeping feeling of being overwhelmed and the urge to curl then cry. It’s on repeat. What’s worst is when the environment lead to another trigger that ruined my day. Ruined my mood. Only to crush me down and decapitate me emotionally.

Overwhelming

Every time I’m on social media, the world feels like getting worst. People losing their lives, loved ones, jobs, health, and home. Their livelihood destroyed. The war. The wrath of mother nature. The incompetent leaders. I can only help as much. I can only do as much. I wish I can do more.

The thoughts of other suffered more paralyzed me. The thoughts that others are struggling aching me. The thoughts of others losing their loved one shook me. It can happen to me too. The urge to keep on trying and moving forward stunted me. Especially in this state of mine.

The truth is…

I am tired. I am given up. I don’t want to feel this discomfort. I am tired to reevaluate my life again. The dark thoughts haunting me is probably regret of not doing things sooner. Will I be regretting it again for the next few years? I don’t have the answer for it now.

I don’t even know what I want now. I only have the urge to sleep and forget. I don’t want to continue. Yet, what keeps me going? Is it hope? Is it faith? Is it cowardice?

The only thing I’m sure of is, I am tired. I am exhausted.

Not as long as I am around.

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There are times,
When I asked myself,
How does happiness feels like,
To me personally,

I realized that,
I laughed and smiled,
Because I was entertained,
Not of happiness,

When was the last time,
I feel happiness,
I no longer understand,
The definition,

The feel of living the life I wanted?
Being alive made me feel the opposite,
The good living conditions?
I feel nothing,

The feel of accomplishments?
A living disappointment,
The feel of satisfaction?
I never asked for more,

The feel of positivity?
Not as long as I am around.

And proven as time comes.

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I want you to know,
I want to share,
The feels and the things,
That’s been bothering me,

It’s that moment,
When you want to scream,
But you are muted,
And you stopped trying,

It’s that moment,
When you want to cry,
But the tears dried,
And you cried inside,

It’s that moment,
When you want to laugh,
But anxiety creeps up,
And that laugh disappears,

It’s that moment,
When I want to live,
The regrets of the past,
And not giving in earlier,

Haunted me,
And proven as time comes.