Leaving deep scars

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I don’t really imagine,
Except replaying,
The countless scenarios,
Of this could or that couldn’t happen,

Only to feel exhausted,
And weary of the war,
That wrecking my mind,
Leaving deep scars.

That usually binds me.

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It is times like this,
That I don’t want to feel.
I don’t want to think,
I just want to be disconnected,
To the rest of the world,
Like taking a long break,
Without anything to bother me,
Without anything violating my thoughts,
Without anything to bring me down,
Just me, and myself,
Enjoying the little sweet time,
Avoiding reality,
Escaping the things,
That usually binds me.

Not as long as I am around.

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There are times,
When I asked myself,
How does happiness feels like,
To me personally,

I realized that,
I laughed and smiled,
Because I was entertained,
Not of happiness,

When was the last time,
I feel happiness,
I no longer understand,
The definition,

The feel of living the life I wanted?
Being alive made me feel the opposite,
The good living conditions?
I feel nothing,

The feel of accomplishments?
A living disappointment,
The feel of satisfaction?
I never asked for more,

The feel of positivity?
Not as long as I am around.

And proven as time comes.

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I want you to know,
I want to share,
The feels and the things,
That’s been bothering me,

It’s that moment,
When you want to scream,
But you are muted,
And you stopped trying,

It’s that moment,
When you want to cry,
But the tears dried,
And you cried inside,

It’s that moment,
When you want to laugh,
But anxiety creeps up,
And that laugh disappears,

It’s that moment,
When I want to live,
The regrets of the past,
And not giving in earlier,

Haunted me,
And proven as time comes.

And dreadfully heavier.

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Let me share how it feels,
When you want to see,
Yet, your eyelids closed,
Tight and heavy,

When you want to smile,
Yet, your lips tightened,
Pale and weightless,

When you want to cry,
Yet, your tears dried,
The ache stays,

When you want to stand,
Yet, your legs fell,

When you want to speak,
Yet, your voice lost,
Silent and still,

When you want help,
You lost to exhaustion,
And overwhelming pressure,

All but a small taste,
Because it runs deeper,
And dreadfully heavier.