Ally’s Thoughts: The Loneliness Of Not Understanding

Hi friends and readers.

I hope you are doing well and healthy. There is a topic in my mind that have been poking me to write it down. Earlier, there was this conversation between someone that is close with a relative. The topic was about me, and this person couldn’t really explain well what I do.

I felt the heaviness in my chest after my brain decided to process the conversation. It made me remember all the things I thought I have forgotten. The childhood that made me this way. The respond and conversation that I made me feel denied of everything.

A friend shared this post from Instagram and I can’t help to feel overwhelmed.

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The post hits me close. Imagine after all those years, and some of us are really struggling to open up. Is it mendable? Is it possible to even have this trust again? The scenario that running through my head is how heartbreaking it would be to them for not opening up. Worse when we told them that we don’t really trust them and how the connection is not as close as they think. The thoughts of, how ungrateful I could be!

What kind of feeling that have been stirring inside me? The thought of being torn and unable to feel anything around them and the feel that I am faking everything messed me up. It feels a lot more horrible when others could understand you better.

I think this thought of loneliness not only came from being alone but from the people around you that don’t understand you. They denied your thoughts and concerns for a long time. And when the time really comes, you rather keep it silent.

The song Headlights by Eminem feat Nate Ruess was so relatable and I feel like sharing it with everyone. I’m unable to really deliver the words in my head and I only feel like writing this much. Sorry for the bad words, sentences, or grammar. I really just want to write my thoughts down so much. At least to feel a little bit lighter.

Ally’s Thoughts: Selamat Hari Merdeka ke-64 #MalaysiaPrihatin

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I wish to all Malaysian, a Happy 64th Independence Day, or Merdeka Day. In the spirit of fighting the pandemic, the theme is carried from last year, Malaysia Prihatin meaning Malaysia Cares. It does fit us in this challenging time during the pandemic including the political instability.

There have been plenty of things happened and I am sure that all Malaysians experienced it. Ever since we had our first lockdown, selfish actions by some politicians, economic disasters, and of course the loss of souls from Covid-19. In this post, I feel the urge to share my thoughts also known as venting out. I believe that as a citizen, there is nothing wrong for me to express my feeling, to share dissatisfactions.

I do have a lot to write on but it will probably turned out to be lengthy and uninteresting for other to read. I will just write based on a topic that I want to highlight.

Malaysia Prihatin, or Malaysia Cares.

In the place where I live, the lockdown have been imposed for more than 500 hundred days. I live in a state that contributes the highest Covid-19 cases nationally. While there are some softer restrictions earlier, it turned worst after Malaysia struggling with the 3rd waves of the pandemic. I mostly ended up staying home and only go out to buy necessary groceries. I am sure I am not alone to feel extremely exhausted because of it.

During this pandemic, I submitted to my depression, I withdraw from projects, I lost some relatives, and likely to worsen my mental health. While that is from my perspective, there are others that are less fortunate. It is in the news every single day. Some loses their source of income, some struggling to have basic necessities, and some loses a lot more.

Fortunately, Malaysians can be helpful and generous towards each other. While we are made of different culture and races, being supportive is a trait that we shares together. It was shown by the #BenderaPutih movement. It was amazing to see how willing and able for us to help each other.

What disgusts me was when some politicians belittled the movement. It was unnecessary and showed lack of empathy, plus the big disparity between reality from the so called ‘elite’ perspective. My obvious impression is yes, we the struggling citizen can relate and believe in Malaysia Prihatin. It doesn’t seem the case for such elits in Malaysia. They don’t care.

The real Malaysians

As I grew up, and already starting my 3-series journey this year, I met with a lot of people. I dare to say this, the real Malaysians will never judge each other based on races. Why? Simply because it doesn’t make any sense. Why would I be judgmental towards other races? For me, it is all based on individual. No one would like to be band together for something that they are not.

I can see clearly how great unity is during this pandemic. I can see the eagerness from real Malaysians to help each other. I see them as the real Malaysians. I believe that as time move forward, we will become better.

And to the crooks and selfish politicians, Malaysians rallied together to help each other during this pandemic. While you were busy playing chess to gain power, you sidelined us to make us suffer. I believe that the younger generations are ready to change the landscape of the archaic political games.

The next 10 years will be something I am looking forward to. As a responsible citizen, I voted in elections ever since I met the age requirements. Things already changing and it was proven by the last general election. While things became unstable after that, I consider it as the inevitable change that will echo louder later.

I wish nothing else but to see better leaders in the future. Simply because, I might live through that future.

Ally’s Thoughts: Absorbing Energy and Thoughts

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Dear friends and readers,

I hope you are staying safe and healthy. We are still in the pandemic and affecting our lives more or less. It sure hit me hard especially on my mental health.

On this post, I want to share my on how the things going on around me affected me so much. Some of the things happened directly, some I came across my social media feeds. I wish to add some trigger warnings that may affect you.

The Numbing Days

Ever since the year started, I’ve lost few relatives. Some from cancer, COVID, and other reason. It affected my mood and I don’t even have the time to reconcile with my own feeling and emotions. I only choose to suppress the thoughts and keep on going. I started to burn out and depression kicks in quickly. To add the numbness, I had to manage some of the death directly because of unavoidable circumstances.

Some of them, I had been helping to take care while they were bed ridden. Yesterday they were still breathing, they were gone the next day. To be a part of the process is overwhelming too. From the moment they took their last breath, calling the ambulance, making police report, then, to the burial ground. Some were a bit of hassle, especially in hospital. Some with lack of proper documentations, costly procedures, and time consuming.

Even after everything is completed, its probably just the first part. I am still not able to reflect on the things going on and keep on moving while ignoring the pain inside me.

Lack of Happiness

During this long lockdown in Malaysia, my days are mostly spent at home with pending work. Adding and piling up anxieties. I am torn between work and lack of motivation. I need my time and space. While I am able to go out to buy groceries, it doesn’t feel the same.

I am used to find my joy outside. I’m used to take long commute from home to work. I want to be on the train. I want to take long walk among the crowd. I want to sit and have my food in a restaurant. It doesn’t matter if I’m alone because I am enjoying it.

I did find distractions but it was not enough. I’m not sure what count as being happy when I spent most of the time feeling nothing. Then came the creeping feeling of being overwhelmed and the urge to curl then cry. It’s on repeat. What’s worst is when the environment lead to another trigger that ruined my day. Ruined my mood. Only to crush me down and decapitate me emotionally.

Overwhelming

Every time I’m on social media, the world feels like getting worst. People losing their lives, loved ones, jobs, health, and home. Their livelihood destroyed. The war. The wrath of mother nature. The incompetent leaders. I can only help as much. I can only do as much. I wish I can do more.

The thoughts of other suffered more paralyzed me. The thoughts that others are struggling aching me. The thoughts of others losing their loved one shook me. It can happen to me too. The urge to keep on trying and moving forward stunted me. Especially in this state of mine.

The truth is…

I am tired. I am given up. I don’t want to feel this discomfort. I am tired to reevaluate my life again. The dark thoughts haunting me is probably regret of not doing things sooner. Will I be regretting it again for the next few years? I don’t have the answer for it now.

I don’t even know what I want now. I only have the urge to sleep and forget. I don’t want to continue. Yet, what keeps me going? Is it hope? Is it faith? Is it cowardice?

The only thing I’m sure of is, I am tired. I am exhausted.

Ally’s Thoughts: Back to You (2019) #Malaysia

Hello friends and readers,

I just watched a wholesome kind of movie in YouTube and I felt the urgency to share it immediately about the experience here.

Currently in Malaysia, the Covid-19 daily cases rate have been breaking the new high for the past few weeks. According to statistic, our daily cases are higher compared to India per capita. For a country with around 32 million people, it is alarming and scary too. Moreover, the vaccination rate is considered slow as well.

While being in this indefinite lockdown for more than a year now, while the economy sector are not in total halt, it is just too risky to go out. So, I spent most of my indoor time, watching TV and consuming content like I never before. Plus, my anxiety and stress is building up. In short, I am really stressed out over the situation right now.

As usual, the Ally’s Thoughts series are about my thoughts on certain theme or values in the movie that I feel like sharing. Trust me, no spoiler most of it.

Back to You (2019)

While browsing YouTube, I stumbled upon this movie. It is a family theme movie about a daughter being adopted and raised by a different cultural background family. 28 years later, her biological mother tried to connect with the daughter.

I would describe the experience watching the movie, a wholesome one. The bond of family valued so much throughout the movie especially the bond between a mother and her daughter. The movie did a great justice by showing the bond between her biological mother and adopted mother.

The movie brought me to an emotional ride of roller coaster through and through. I can’t help to feel the mixed emotions and getting sweep away by the pace. Similar to life, on how we can be excited today, then feeling down and disappointed on the next day.

The Malaysian Background

Apart from the heart capturing values expressed in the movie, I am impressed and satisfied with the amazing potrayal of cultural background in the movie. Malaysia has been known as a multiracial and multicultural country. It has been like this for centuries long before the colonialism. Thanks to being one of the most rich and flourishing kingdom controlling the Malacca Strait in the 15th century.

History asides, I believe as a Malaysian, it is always important to understand how living together in harmony is the great recipe to build a strong and stable nation. We respect each other, being kind towards each other, and we know our differences are the things made us closer.

I believe I am able to appreciate it because of the experience I had growing up. I am exposed to the differences early compared to some people I know. I had my pre-school in a mix environment. Then I went to mix public primary and secondary school as well. I learned more about the differences from my friends. It still continues after I get into work. I somehow enjoyed being surrounded by this differences and it helps me to think, it is a waste for the younger generations that missed such experience.

Our Individuality

I personally conclude that, some people out there that being judgmental about other races in Malaysia are just people with less exposure and experience. Take our counterpart in East Malaysia, how harmonious Sabah and Sarawak people can be together amid the differences. It doesn’t matter which races they are from, we are all human and our environment and upbringing shapes us individually.

I am deeply moved on how the movie concludes. It doesn’t matter if the child was born Chinese and then raised like a Malay. Ultimately being a human with virtues are much more important. The will to understand each other is a great effort. What ever walls came between should be taken down and to be celebrated together.

Never let stereotypes, bad actors and political agendas divides us. Because I know too well, I am not the only person in Malaysia that believes in the harmony that we have right now. It is just the matter of believe and making things work for a better future.

And I believe that Malaysia can be a great example to the whole world what is multicultural unity is all about.

You can watch the full telemovie here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIkhtGJVT0c

Ally’s Thoughts: Did You Take A Break For Yourself?

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Dear friends and readers,

If you are reading this, I want to thank you so much. As much as I want to write for myself, I can’t help to feel grateful to all of you. You have touched my life with the likes and comments. Again, thank you.

A year ago, on 9th May 2020, I lost a fellow friend that I knew from WordPress. Her passing was sudden and I texted her a day before. Her blog mostly talks about her life, the struggles, the pain, the loss of her mom. While her friends managed her Instagram account, her blog still exists. Adding to this emotional remembrance was her final post. A poem with the title Gone.

In the end, I am just and will be a memory.
In yours I hope.

I can’t help to feel the pain in her words. I hope I am not the only one feels it too. May you rest in peace, friend.

Today, I searched through my comments section and realized some of you went missing too. Some of you returned. I can’t help to think about it at the back of my mind. Are you alright? Did something happened? Did you take a break for yourself? Will you come back?

The pandemic made it worst for some of us. I hope you are not overworking yourself. I hope you take a little rest too. I might sounds selfish, that is probably true. If you are willing to trust me, taking a break is necessary. Especially in our journey in life. Don’t blame yourself for it, you deserve it. We all deserves a break before we proceed to keep on going forward.

Even I had to take a break. Some times can be painful and I can’t bring myself to get up. It’s just that I realized that to feel alive is when we struggle for it. Moreover, I believe in the lessons in each speed bumps I have to go through. I hope you do too.

I think that is all for now. I hope you are doing well and take care of yourself. Please take a break when you have to! Stay safe and until next time.

Ally’s Thoughts: Happy 5th Anniversary with WordPress.com!

Dear friends and readers,

Write Ally! Write! is celebrating 5th Anniversary with WordPress! To be honest, I am happy to be here and keep things going. 5 years sounds fairly new but after all the ups and down between life and writing, it feels a long time ago.

So, what about some updates?

Ever since the Covid-19 pandemic, I have been spending time work-from-home (WFH). I gained weight. Plus, I think I spent too much on online shopping and food delivery services.

My mental health? Well, I think I’m getting better in managing myself. My doctor still wants me to continue medication and see how things are going for the next few months.

I have few things in mind especially for a new book. I might consider if I have the right motivation to proceed. Plus, I finally get rid of the .wordpress and get a domain name. Might as well utilize everything.

Feelings?

Staying too much at home really creeps me. I can’t help to feel lonely and wanting to talk to someone. The problem is… being someone reserved can be dreadful too. I want to share the things that dwell inside me but I want to share it to someone that would really care. That person is still yet to arrive.

That’s all for now. Hope you all are doing well and stay safe!

Ally’s Thoughts: 210221

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I hope my friends and readers are doing well and staying safe.

I haven’t been writing much on my thoughts, I don’t even know why. It’s not that I don’t have any opinions or thoughts on anything. It’s just that in some days, some thoughts are better left unsaid. That was for the best.

However, today on the 21st February 2021, a supposed special day with a unique date. I really want to express this gratitude of mine towards the creative community. Yes, you are one of them!

Recently, I can’t help to look back where I am now compared to where I was years ago. Before I had my WordPress site, during my build up phase, and the present. I realized how big the creative community impacted myself in motivation and building myself.

The inspirations

You are my main inspiration, each and everyone of you. Your words, writings, thoughts, ideas, arts, and the endless creativity inspires me to find myself. You are talented, supportive, helpful, and kind too. I saw some of you struggled but keep on fighting. I realized some of you went missing but came back. I am honestly excited and happy when you published your books, completed your artwork, being sponsored, and achieve your goals.

The supports

No matter what, there will always someone read my posts. Yes, you did. Sometimes, you left me some comments. Thank you! You keep on supporting my site by reading, liking, and leaving a comment. You have been here since day one too! I do remember that you nominated me with countless of awards earlier, that really helps me here. You connected me with other wonderful and lovely souls in the community.

The future

It is impossible for me to be here without you. I quit jobs, getting jobs, getting depressed, fighting through it, and finding myself in the weirdest place. I whine here, I ranted here, I expressed here, and all my pasts are here. I will find myself to be here, even in the future. No matter how tossed I was, how wrecked I would be, or how beautiful my life could be. To be here with the community is a place that I could never found if I didn’t take the first step. I am not leaving, will always be here together with you.

The one that left

Last year, a dear friend left us. A young talented writer passed away. While her social media was handled and managed by her friends, her WordPress still exists. I think her friends couldn’t retrieve her credentials on that matter. May her soul find peace and blessing.

It made me realized if some other writers in the same situation. They didn’t come back because they are no longer here. The thought creeps on me and made me sad. I don’t know how many of you left, without even saying goodbye to us. I can only pray and hope that all is well. Even if it’s true, I can pray you will be in peace.

I believe in you!

If you feel lost and unmotivated, I won’t tell you to stop. Take a break and get some rest. Do it again when you are ready. If other people doesn’t tell you, let me tell this… I BELIEVE IN YOU! I believe in your words, your arts, your passion, your creativity, and the strength in you.

Keep on writing, creating, and don’t forget to give back to the community. There will always be someone new that starts their journey.

And please, do reach me on other social media platform.

Twitter
Instagram

Ally’s Thoughts: LiSA – unlasting

Hey everyone, for the rest of the year 2020, this will be my theme song.

This is a Japanese song by LiSA called ‘unlasting’. While the official video is available, The First Take version definitely hits me to the core and left me shaken. Subtitle is available and I hope you would enjoy it.

I want to say a lot of things about the song but… Why don’t you decide it for yourself? Enjoy!

Ally’s Thoughts: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society (2018)

Hi everyone,

I just finished watching The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society on Netflix. I added it on My List for quite some times. Only now I have the feel to watch it. I am glad not a second wasted on this movie.

The movie is based on a novel with the same title written by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows that was published in 2008.

The movie is about Juliet, a writer from London received a letter from a book club in Guernsey called The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. Yes, it’s a mouthful one indeed but there are circumstances. Led by curiosity, Juliet went to Guernsey to uncover the truth behind the book club.

As usual in Ally’s Thoughts segment, this is not a review of a movie but more on sharing few points and perspective that really caught my attention in the movie. There might be few spoilers around, if you don’t want to be spoiled, turn around now.

The place we truly belong

Perhaps, not everyone would resonate about it. However, there are people out there that are looking for a place they would call home, family, and longed for familiar connections with the people around them.

Imagine there are so many things going on in your life, suddenly, you feel that the thing that is happening to you feels so distant. While you have accomplished so much, yet, you still feel something missing.

That thought made you wonder and ponder, made you searched to understand. You are looking for an answer, no mediocre ones can really satisfy you. While everyone around you tried to convince you otherwise, you kept on and believe in the voices of your heart.

I believe that is what Juliet has experienced. She was not ready to settle in her current state. She still couldn’t get off her pasts and searching for something to give her strength to move on. She found a reason when she received the letter from Dawsey.

She was probably doubting herself a lot before making that decision. To step out and look for something. Driven by her curiosity and guts. She couldn’t let go. This was shown many times in the movie.

Even when there were resistance directly telling her to stop and carry on from the book club. She stayed in Gurnsey and building deeper connection with the club members. Her strong feeling keeps on guiding her to stay for the sake of uncovering the truth. In the end, she uncovered the truth about the club and the truth about herself. The truth about what she strongly believed.

I believe that there are plenty of times in my life, I tried to be rational about things. There are times when I decide to ignore my feeling and live up to the standard norm. Nothing wrong with that, the decisions were made by myself. There are no points in regretting them.

However, there are plenty of time as well that some decisions left my feeling to voice out louder. The feeling went so intense that I can’t ignore. Later, the feeling won over my rational decision.

Perhaps that was the decision that we truly belonged. Like there are forces that intervened and brought out new perspectives.

There are so many quotes from the movie I wished to share but there are not many available in the web. Even so, I would really love to share this one.

Such a small thing, just a book. Yet, it brought me all this way.

Juliet

There are times when the smallest thing in our life made us brace ourselves and brought out the courage inside us. Some may be insignificant to others but to us, it leads us to the place we truly belong.

Now, I really need to find the book and read it. That is how it usually happened to me. Movies first, then the books.

Ally’s Thoughts: My 1000th Post

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Hi everyone,

When I started this journey, I just want to write everything in my head and share it. I never thought mine are great or meaningful at all. All I want is to let things go and clear my thoughts and inspiration. Creating an outlet for my passion.

I realized the importance of writing everything along the way. There are times I feel stuck and things spiraling down. Every time I wrote them down, I feel liberated in some way. I can be too reserved that only pen and paper would be my outlet. I mostly have no one else to talk with except the walls.

It has been a great journey ever since. I get to read wonderful posts by the community. I get to make friends and even met some of them. It was a great experience too. I admit that there are times where I made errors and mistakes. I can be immature and selfish at times too. I am really sorry if I ever offended anyone here.

I have been reading back the posts here, there are times I feel like a different person. It feels like I don’t even remember writing them.

The truth is I am really tired now. I am tired of trying too. I am mostly working from home and rarely go out. So, that would probably be reason I have been having spiraling thoughts. At this moment, sleeping is the best thing going on for me.

Not really expecting my 1000th post to be something like this but I really need to write this away.

I wish everyone have a great day and stay safe!