Ally’s Thoughts: The Void to Fill

Image from: The Cinematic Katzenjammer

I recently re-watched the movie Her (2013). I did wrote about it in 2017. You can read it here: Ally’s Thoughts: Her (2013).

While watching it, I can’t help to think about myself. Three years ago, it feels different. I was much more optimistic and ‘energetic’. However, it hits differently now.

To have hope and passion can really drive someone forward. They move on to create something for themselves even if it is to the unknown.

Yet, it feels different now. The void that I thought I moved on from has returned. I know it will never disappeared but at least the void in me should be filled even a little.

Somehow, it is not. The void is like a wound starts to bleed again. It hurts but empty at the same time. It feels impossible to mend it or heal it.

I keep asking myself. What went wrong?

This is so ridiculous. Is it because how 2020 has been treating people? How it has been affecting me?

Is it because I lie to myself too much? Is it regret? Is it disappointment? I can’t tell. I am more confused now more than ever. It has been years. Why it still hurts so much?

The depth of this void me is endless. I don’t think it can be filled at all. This is honestly, too much.

Ally’s Thoughts: YOU (Season One Netflix Series)

Good day friends and readers,

Throughout the Movement Control Order imposed by the Malaysian government during the pandemic crisis, I managed to catch up with the highly rated Netflix series ‘YOU’. I am late but it’s better than never, right?

It has been a long time too since I wrote something for Ally’s Thoughts. So, I will share my thoughts about the series. Unlike any review, I will not review about the series in how good it is or how bad it is. My opinion on such will probably irrelevant and it will simply a bias perspective.

Therefore, as other Ally’s Thoughts posts, I will choose a theme or a perspective to share or discuss relating to the series.

For those who haven’t watch the series, more or less there will be spoilers. So, spoilers alert!

“Sometimes, we do bad things for the people we love.” – Joe

It’s true that we are able to do bad things for the people we love but no matter how much we want to justify it, bad thing is bad.

In Joe’s perspective, he did it to protect the person he loved. He would do anything to be by her side and keep her safe. Ironically in the end, he killed Beck, his lover.

I have been in love and I understand how loving someone can be hurtful. The good things lasts while it last. However, the bad and painful things stays like a scar forever even after it healed.

I always believe that relationship is not magic and will never reach ‘perfection’. There is no such thing because great relationships are built and made. My upbringing and my surrounding taught me, we can never satisfy everyone and it is normal to argue about something whenever we have differences.

The important thing is to work things out. For example, Joe killed Benji. It showed early the ‘love’ that Joe was experiencing was no longer attraction but more of an obsession. How could Joe work this situation out?

Don’t! He should just back off and give Beck some space. Why? In Beck’s perspective, Joe is a guess or a stranger in her life. Instead of trying to respect that, Joe did everything to justify his ‘love’ as a reason.

I’m sure we all can relate that there are times we come to other people’s life and there are times too when others came into ours. Some stayed, some left. In the end what is the point? It is all about the learning and lessons.

Other than that, the series is really entertaining and a must watch!

Ally’s Thoughts: Bitcoin is a scam? Part 1

Hi dear friends and readers,

As promised, this is the first part for Ally’s Thoughts: Bitcoin is a scam? Part 1. Again, Bitcoin is not a scam? Let me tell you why it is not.

A Digital Asset

Bitcoin (BTC) is a type of digital asset, also known as virtual asset, cryptocurrency, and virtual currency. Imagine a gold bar, Bitcoin is the gold of the internet. It is also similar on how our physical money, deposited into the bank and we transferred the money into our e-wallet or digital wallet.

Unlike normal currencies like US Dollar (USD), Japan Yen (JPY), or Malaysian Ringgit (MYR) issued by the country’s central bank. BTC is a decentralized asset. Which means, no entity have complete control over BTC. Doesn’t make sense? At first it is but nothing is impossible nowadays.

Decentralized Technology

You probably have been wondering how a type of asset are not centrally governed. BTC is using a technology called blockchain. Blockchain is a digital ledger that will record every transaction into a block and chained with the previous blocks. It is you are writing all the transactions in a book and after each page is verified, it will move on to the next page.

Normal book means you are the keeper, so you own the book and keep all the transactions right? That is not the case in blockchain because it is recorded and shared within its network. It is like everyone in your family have the same exact copy of the book and it is updated in real time using a system. Lets say you lost your book, you just need to copy from one of your family members and that’s it. Everything is there.

Limited Supply

Unlike physical money that is printed by the central bank, BTC is produced by the blockchain technology. How? Each new transactions and blocks will be verified and approved by a number of computers in the network. Once the transactions and blocks approved, the blockchain will reward each computers a certain amount of BTC.

Remember the example above about your family having the exact copy of the transaction book? Every time a transaction is recorded in your book, your family members need to verify and approve it. Then, they will be rewarded by the system.

However, the BTC supply is capped at 21 Million. Currently, it is around 18 Million in circulation. This is why Bitcoin is considered valuable for some people.

That’s all for this part. I am trying my best to get too technical. If there are anything that you want me to clarify, do write me a comment.

Ally’s Thoughts: Bitcoin is a scam? Intro
Ally’s Thoughts: Bitcoin is a scam? Part 1
Ally’s Thoughts: Bitcoin is a scam? Part 2


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Ally’s Thoughts: Bitcoin is a scam? Intro

close up of coins
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Is it? Of course it is not. Scammers tricked unsuspecting desperate people thinking it is the fastest way to help their financial troubles.

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the long break and silence. I was pretty busy with work for the past few months until I no longer have one. Surprised? Me too.

I have been working in a media company that focused on cryptocurrency and blockchain technology. I have like zero knowledge about the industry and I was clueless. However, six months into it, I am not expert but I am moderately informed. So to speak.

I will share with all of you on what I have learned and acquired. Therefore, you will not be fooled or scammed by these scammers. I am here to raise awareness about what is Bitcoin and how to educate yourself about Bitcoin!

There are so many things I wanted to share, I will break Ally’s Thoughts into few parts. So, you won’t get confused or get a headache because of too much information.

Alright, let’s begin!

Ally’s Thoughts: Bitcoin is a scam? Intro
Ally’s Thoughts: Bitcoin is a scam? Part 1
Ally’s Thoughts: Bitcoin is a scam? Part 2


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Ally’s Thoughts: Saying Goodbye to 2019

person holding a sparkler in macro photography
Photo by Kris Lucas on Pexels.com

Hi everyone,

We are here, in December and leaving 2019. The truth is, it was a really rough year for me. Too rough and I still try to stabilize the aftermath.

I want to share it here because I know that there are more out there having bad times, worst than mine.

After working for almost 2 years in a good place, I started to feel depressed. Early 2019, I got myself diagnosed and referred to a psychiatric clinic. Now, I’m under medication and having a new job.

For those who are struggling with mental illness, I hope you found the courage to break out from the void and get some help. Then, the real battle starts there because wanting to feel good and ‘normal’ is ridiculously hard.

It is hard to find someone you can trust, to share the things you are experiencing right now. Find the right channel and you are not alone.

Now, I am into 10 months under medication and I am still far away being healthy. However, slowly I feel my motivation is coming back. As I was going through all these, I realized so many things about my situation. It opened my eyes and I hope you will find it in your journey too.

Thank you very much for reading and visiting my site. I am sorry for neglecting my WordPress community with less posts and less visiting your sites. I am ashamed but I really feel good whenever I return here.

Wishing you all the best in the year 2020. May all of you receive great blessing and find success in the things you want to achieve. Happy New Year!

Ally’s Thoughts: To The World I Don’t Belong

silhouette of bird flying
Photo by amy chung on Pexels.com

Hi all,

Note that this is a post that has been in my draft since January. I was in a struggle with no chance of winning, well I was wrong. I haven’t win the war yet but the victory in the countless battles strengthened me.

Therefore, I am sharing this as a reminder for myself and to share how dreadful the feeling was at that time.

Thank you.


I think, this will be my last post. I am retiring, not as a writer but as a living breathing thing.

I have been struggling too long, too long that I don’t know why I’m still here. Too long that I don’t have any more reasons to reason with my inner self, “Why am I still here?”. I am too tired to argue again about it.

Family? No.

Friends? No.

Love? No.

Work? No.

Future? No.

Hell and eternal damnation? No.

It is too tough to keep going only to be hopeful and telling myself that everything going to be alright. Everything will eventually work out. No. It doesn’t work that way. The situation and surrounding is just too ridiculous. It is petty too.

My effort? I tried. Many times.

I learned to accept. Doesn’t work.

I learned to forgive. Doesn’t work.

I learned to love. Doesn’t work.

I learned to better person. Doesn’t work.

I learned to believe. Doesn’t work.

I learned to fear. Doesn’t work.

I learned to trust. Doesn’t work.

I learned to forget. Doesn’t work.

I learned too much that it drove me crazy.

Until the very end, my inner self still want to reason with me. I had enough. Too much conflict in my head and it is too tiring. Not to mention the conflicts outside my head.

I can’t function properly.

I can’t breath properly.

I can’t love properly.

I can’t live properly.

I can’t. I won’t.

I gave up. Too long… Too long…

For my last words, I am not apologizing. I want to say my gratitude for keeping me this long. I had wished for it since I was 10 and I never get it. I was not brave enough to take it myself. I envy the others who decide to do it. Thank you.

“I tried and I did not fail. I just stopped and took a long stop.”


 

Ally’s Thoughts: The Struggle With Depression

dark_room_by_ikiz
Source: innocentstore.sk

Based on a study by Malaysia Psychiatric Association (MPA), depression will be a MAJOR mental illness by the year 2020. On what basis? According to the study by the 2017 National Health and Morbidity Survey found that 29% Malaysian suffered depression and anxiety compared to 12% in 2011.This means, the number is steadily increasing every year and most of us don’t know about it.
 
Wait, how did you know this? How did I know this? I am a Malaysian who suffered Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), of course I know about it. Whenever I talked about it, they don’t understand how someone can feel sad or down when it doesn’t show on our face, they don’t understand why someone can’t handle the pressure and tension of living like they do, they can’t relate when someone decided to hurt themselves and take their own life.
 
To add the pain, some will casually tell us, you need to smile more, you need to get out more, you need to let go, you need to get closer to God, you need this, you need that… If only it is that simple. The perfect example would be, if you suffered from diabetes and someone casually said “Just eat bitter food everyday and you will be fine”.
 
For awhile, I have suspected that I have depression because of all the things I read in the internet. Worst is that I started to have it since I was young. That explained all the addictions, self harms, mood swings, harmful impulses and the unbearable thoughts of dying.
 
It was until early this year, I decided to get myself diagnosed after I attempted to kill myself with a knife. I don’t have the courage to do it. I was a coward. After I had my session with the doctor, he gave me a referral letter to a hospital. Even so, I did not went to the hospital immediately, I was still hesitant.
 
For me, everyday was tiring, getting out from bed was tiring, getting out to work was tiring, talking to others was tiring, acting was fine was tiring. Not to mention, the constant dark thoughts, the images of myself, and the horrendous nightmares every night.
 
It took me a month to go to the hospital. I was diagnosed and officially became a mental patient. It was unreal at first because I don’t really know how this will impact my life. Every time my parent asked me, I couldn’t really give them proper answers. I mostly avoid talking about it.
 
The doctors were really helpful in supporting me. They explained to me thoroughly and patiently answering my questions. “How long does it take to recover?” It depends on the person. Every time I went to my appointment, the doctors will ask how do I feel, what did I do, did I skipped my medicine. Truly, skipping my med at first feels like the world start to whirl again.
 
Till this day, I am still struggling but I keep on surviving. My mind became lighter and I know I am recovering from it. I decided to share it here because I have gave it a long thought. I don’t have to hide it because there is nothing shameful about it. In fact, it gave me the strength to keep on moving and giving awareness to others.
 
Depression doesn’t have a face. You might have it, your friends might have it or your family members might have it. My advice is seek early treatment. Don’t hesitate to visit the doctors, be it public or private institution.
 
Depression can be treated. If you think you have depression, you are not alone. Don’t be afraid to seek help. Do reach out to someone that you can trust. If not, you can call the helpline in your country if you need someone to talk to.
 
For those who are on treatment, do not give up or falter. It is a rough and harsh road to recovery but you will get through. Stay strong.

Ally’s Thoughts: Write Ally! Write! Celebrating 3 Years And 2K followers and NaPoWriMo 2019!

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Hello everyone,

This is one overdue post and I apologize for the delay. I am happy to share that Write Ally! Write! is now 3 years old. Plus, now it have around 2K followers! Thank you to my fellow friends, readers and followers all across the glove. I really appreciate it.

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I am sorry again for not being able to deliver a lot of thoughts or poems. I also have not been replying to comments. It has been very difficult for me because of real life.

However, March is leaving and April is coming. I am sure our community can’t wait for April because of the National Poetry Month (NaPoWriMo) or the Global Poetry Month (GaPoWriMo).

I joined NaPoWriMo 2017 where I have compiled my 30 days poems in the e-book, The Thirty Days. You can download the e-book free using the link below.

The Thirty Days by Ally Mare

You can also check my profile and my other e-books using the link below.

Ally Mare profile @ Smashwords

I missed NaPoWriMo 2018 because of my tight schedule but I am pledging myself to join NaPowriMo 2019. I would like to invite my fellow poets to join as well.

Like previous years, I will visit NaPoWriMo.net for their daily prompts and you can do the same too.

That’s all for now. Can’t wait for the 1st prompt. Wishing you all the best and have a great day!

Ally’s Thoughts: I Am Too Mediocre And Ordinary

photography of green and red fire works display
Photo by Anna-Louise on Pexels.com

Greetings everyone,

I wish you all good health and all the best in any things that you want to achieve for the  year of 2019.

I am writing this post because I want to share something that has been on my mind lately. I am unable to express it clearly in my poems nor in any way I could possibly think. This will be a quite long post, so if you are in a hurry, skip it and read it later. However, if you have all the time you need, I want to ask you a favor.

Please read it until the end and share me your thoughts if you have any, star it if you like it or share it with all your connections. If you don’t like it, let me know why.

I want to share about the journey of my working life, it is not something that I can compare with the others who have worked longer than me. I just want to share on what have I done and how I actually feel about it. Right now, I am doubting my relevancy in this working world.

IT GOES WAY BACK

Whenever someone asked me, what do you want to be when you grow up? I would give the cliche answers. When I was young, I wanted to be a teacher. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be someone who worked in the video games industry because of how I love video games so much at that time. As I entered college, I realized that I don’t know who I want to be and I was just following the flow. I do know that I just want a steady job and have the typical working life.

After I graduated from college, I earned my diploma in English Language Studies, I remained at the same place, where I did my internship. I worked there for 2 years doing admin in a property development company. As a young fresh graduate, to be employed is a blessing as my other friends are struggling to land a job.

It was a small company and most of the staff has been working for more than 10 years. The generation gap was obvious because the new faces joined the company are mostly interns. I was one of the intern. The staff are the same age of my parents or older. The job was manageable and the pay was sufficient, they even pay bonuses.

I learned a lot because I did a lot of different things in the company. If I were to choose the one most memorable would be the 5S and productivity project I had to handle in the company manufacturing division. I have to implement the 5S under the supervision of Malaysia Productivity Corporation (MPC), which was exciting for me at that time.

Even so at that point, I couldn’t figure out or imagine how my career would be. I left the company after I received a better offer from a company that I never expected.

A DREAM CAME TRUE

I started to play video games extensively when I was 7 years old. Back then, there was only that game console that load games from the cartridge. Then, I had a Game Boy, Playstation 1, PSP and gotten myself a computer. I am pretty sure that I had a wish about getting into the game industry at that time.

My wish was granted and my second employment was in a game publisher company that was really well known in Malaysia. I joined the company and worked in their social media app department. For me, that was already enough because I was exposed to their company culture and a lot of young people around, I was so happy.

My work are mostly to create content for the app and I realized that it was the most comforting to do. Eventually, I realized that I really like writing poetry and I shared some of my poetry in the platform. Not long after that, I decided to share my poetry to the rest of the world. Therefore, I created Write Ally Write! After a few months, I was really engaged with the WordPress community and decided to explore the writing world. 

I quit my job and was in search of a job that would let me utilize my creativity and writing skills. My decision led me to 4 months of unemployment but I had the best 4 months of writing experience. Within those 4 months, I have published 2 poetry ebooks and I feel really satisfied. My blog was growing and I get to know more people. It was exciting and I really feel that ‘this is my calling’.

THE REALITY AND THE FEASIBILITY

A 4 months unemployed restricted my spending and I have commitments to pay. I can’t remember how many job applications I have submitted and how many interviews I have attended. I want to pursue a writing career but it doesn’t look that bright. Almost the end of April, I received a phone call to an interview. I came for the interview and I got the job on the next day.

I came to the office and officially, I have jumped to a different sector, investment banking. I was in charge to draft the internal communication on behalf of the HR department and assisting my boss in special projects for the department. For the communication draft is fairly easy and a little write up is a walk in the breeze. The special projects however is something I never really do. There are two parts, the research part was really straight forward. I don’t have any complaints. The second part is the project management part, where I have to learn about project management.

I have no problem until the projects started to pile up. I am having a hard time to keep up and not to mention the persistent management committee update every two weeks. I endured for almost 2 years and I realized that I am unable to keep my head straight. I don’t think I am able to stay sane from all the anxiety and depression.

THE WHEEL TURNS, AGAIN

I am still with the investment bank until the end of January. I have to extend because I have some pending projects and they still have not found any replacement. What will I do next? I want to rest first for few months. I am mentally exhausted at the point it scares me.

I noticed that, I don’t have any confidence on myself or my skills for work. I am not sure what I want to do anymore. I am too mediocre and too ordinary.

 

 

 

Ally’s Thoughts: Ainori Love Wagon: Asian Journey & Why I Love It!

Source: 
MyDramaList

Hi and happy weekend to all,

It has been awhile since I wrote something for Ally’s Thoughts segment. To tell the truth, I have so much to tell but I feel overwhelmed by my life lately. Work in one corner, personal life in the other. I embedded those hard moments in my poems.

Back to the main topic, Ainori Love Wagon: Asian Journey! Let me share with you briefly on what the show is all about.

Ainori is a Japanese reality tv show debuted on October 1999. Seven members of young men and women travel together in a pink bus to find romance. In 2017, the show aired on Netflix with a new season, Ainori Love Wagon, Asian Journey!


Seven men and women board a pink bus in search of true love. On a journey through Asia with strangers, their goal is to return to Japan as a couple.

Netflix

At first, I was so reluctant to watch the series because I was skeptical at first. Looking at the introduction by Netflix, it was not convincing enough for me. Plus, I was binge-ing Terrace House which already won my attention. Only after I watched Terrace House: Boys & Girls in the City and Terrace House: Aloha State, I brave myself to watch this show.

I was hooked! Instantly, I gave the show a thumb up!

5 Reasons why I love the show!

1. The Adventure

The journey took them to most if not all South East Asian countries such as Vietnam, Myamar, Cambodia, Thailand, Malaysia and ended in Singapore. They also went to Taiwan as well.

During their travel, they were introduced to different culture and social issues a country had. Not only the show gave impact to the members but it opened my eyes too. I learned that a lot of Japanese actually prefer to stay in Malaysia based on one of the episode aired.

2. The Drama

Of course, what is a reality show without the drama here and there! During their travel, they will have to live with a certain amount of budget, no mobile phone, and building friendship and perhaps love interest with other members.

Through their journey, the members were not just challenged physically but their mental as well. They have to face conflicts, rejections and face their greatest obstacle, the confession.

3. The Confession

If a member has decided to confess to the person he or she like, they need to meet the bus driver for two return tickets back to Japan. The member have to confess and give the ticket to the person they like and usually, the person will give the answer on the next day.

If the member reciprocate the feeling, the two members will kiss and leave the group to return back to Japan. If the member rejected, the member who confessed will have to return to Japan alone. 

4. The Best Couple

Source: ShyBoy

So far, there is a couple that I really like from the show, Shy Boy and Kasuga! The path that they took to be together was really a hard one. During the travel, so much happened to them and I cannot help myself to cheer and root for them.

So far, they are still together. Good for them!

5. The Lessons

It is not just entertainment. The lessons that were brought up in the show was plenty. Imagine you are someone who never really take that first step and you are just the type who would wait, you will always stuck in the same situation over and over again.

There are some of the episodes that can be really inspiring too.

Currently, Ainori Love Wagon: Asian Journey season 2 arrived in Netflix! New episode every Thursday. I really recommend you to watch it if you like romance and travel. 

Wishing you all have a good weekend! Until next time.