Ally’s Thoughts: The Loneliness Of Not Understanding

Hi friends and readers.

I hope you are doing well and healthy. There is a topic in my mind that have been poking me to write it down. Earlier, there was this conversation between someone that is close with a relative. The topic was about me, and this person couldn’t really explain well what I do.

I felt the heaviness in my chest after my brain decided to process the conversation. It made me remember all the things I thought I have forgotten. The childhood that made me this way. The respond and conversation that I made me feel denied of everything.

A friend shared this post from Instagram and I can’t help to feel overwhelmed.

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The post hits me close. Imagine after all those years, and some of us are really struggling to open up. Is it mendable? Is it possible to even have this trust again? The scenario that running through my head is how heartbreaking it would be to them for not opening up. Worse when we told them that we don’t really trust them and how the connection is not as close as they think. The thoughts of, how ungrateful I could be!

What kind of feeling that have been stirring inside me? The thought of being torn and unable to feel anything around them and the feel that I am faking everything messed me up. It feels a lot more horrible when others could understand you better.

I think this thought of loneliness not only came from being alone but from the people around you that don’t understand you. They denied your thoughts and concerns for a long time. And when the time really comes, you rather keep it silent.

The song Headlights by Eminem feat Nate Ruess was so relatable and I feel like sharing it with everyone. I’m unable to really deliver the words in my head and I only feel like writing this much. Sorry for the bad words, sentences, or grammar. I really just want to write my thoughts down so much. At least to feel a little bit lighter.

And be your own sun.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Did you asked the question today,
Why you are being hard on yourself?
You don’t have to,
Even if the whole world want you to,

They can break you down,
Torn you apart,
But you will always be,
The one that stand up again,

You will be the one,
To treat yourself,
And fight to get better,
To stay awake when the world asleep,

You should know better,
To live right now,
Is to feel happier,
And be your own sun.

Ally’s Thoughts: Selamat Hari Merdeka ke-64 #MalaysiaPrihatin

Photo by Thilipen Rave Kumar on Pexels.com

I wish to all Malaysian, a Happy 64th Independence Day, or Merdeka Day. In the spirit of fighting the pandemic, the theme is carried from last year, Malaysia Prihatin meaning Malaysia Cares. It does fit us in this challenging time during the pandemic including the political instability.

There have been plenty of things happened and I am sure that all Malaysians experienced it. Ever since we had our first lockdown, selfish actions by some politicians, economic disasters, and of course the loss of souls from Covid-19. In this post, I feel the urge to share my thoughts also known as venting out. I believe that as a citizen, there is nothing wrong for me to express my feeling, to share dissatisfactions.

I do have a lot to write on but it will probably turned out to be lengthy and uninteresting for other to read. I will just write based on a topic that I want to highlight.

Malaysia Prihatin, or Malaysia Cares.

In the place where I live, the lockdown have been imposed for more than 500 hundred days. I live in a state that contributes the highest Covid-19 cases nationally. While there are some softer restrictions earlier, it turned worst after Malaysia struggling with the 3rd waves of the pandemic. I mostly ended up staying home and only go out to buy necessary groceries. I am sure I am not alone to feel extremely exhausted because of it.

During this pandemic, I submitted to my depression, I withdraw from projects, I lost some relatives, and likely to worsen my mental health. While that is from my perspective, there are others that are less fortunate. It is in the news every single day. Some loses their source of income, some struggling to have basic necessities, and some loses a lot more.

Fortunately, Malaysians can be helpful and generous towards each other. While we are made of different culture and races, being supportive is a trait that we shares together. It was shown by the #BenderaPutih movement. It was amazing to see how willing and able for us to help each other.

What disgusts me was when some politicians belittled the movement. It was unnecessary and showed lack of empathy, plus the big disparity between reality from the so called ‘elite’ perspective. My obvious impression is yes, we the struggling citizen can relate and believe in Malaysia Prihatin. It doesn’t seem the case for such elits in Malaysia. They don’t care.

The real Malaysians

As I grew up, and already starting my 3-series journey this year, I met with a lot of people. I dare to say this, the real Malaysians will never judge each other based on races. Why? Simply because it doesn’t make any sense. Why would I be judgmental towards other races? For me, it is all based on individual. No one would like to be band together for something that they are not.

I can see clearly how great unity is during this pandemic. I can see the eagerness from real Malaysians to help each other. I see them as the real Malaysians. I believe that as time move forward, we will become better.

And to the crooks and selfish politicians, Malaysians rallied together to help each other during this pandemic. While you were busy playing chess to gain power, you sidelined us to make us suffer. I believe that the younger generations are ready to change the landscape of the archaic political games.

The next 10 years will be something I am looking forward to. As a responsible citizen, I voted in elections ever since I met the age requirements. Things already changing and it was proven by the last general election. While things became unstable after that, I consider it as the inevitable change that will echo louder later.

I wish nothing else but to see better leaders in the future. Simply because, I might live through that future.

Pen it down for eternity

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I don’t want to write,
About love and heartbreak,
Because all this pain,
Never really leave,

I’ve been busy fighting war,
And facing all the battles,
Inside my head,
And it’s killing me,

Same with the others,
Struggling with their own,
Grasping a hard earn victory,
Some cost them, their sanity,

And let my words,
Pen it down for eternity.

I couldn’t be with you

Photo by Joseph Redfield on Pexels.com

I spent too much time alone,
Casually talking to myself,
About all the things going on,
And all the thoughts in my head,

Like when I look back,
Of all the time I had,
Too many things happened,
Too little time to react,

Like when I think of the future,
With nothing else to hold on,
Without strength to be sure,
And I will always be alone,

Like when I think about the present,
All the things I couldn’t do,
And a hundred more reasons,
I couldn’t be with you.

For a long time.

Photo by Luis Quintero on Pexels.com

Allow me to take you,
To a fantasy of mine,
Where the world you see,
Is not the world you knew,

It is not the world,
I am familiar with too,
It is a where, happiness,
Is what really matter,

There you will see me,
Shine with bright smiles.
You will see yourself,
To be the happiest,

But that’s where it ends,
Because I can’t imagine further,
It is something that I haven’t tasted,
For a long time.