A ghost by her side

I was chasing a mirage,

Real yet untrue,

It was so clear even by the long distance,

As I am closer it turned less obvious,

A mirage or a phantom,

I was chasing a phantom,

Real yet untrue,

Walked in front of me,

It was so real that I cannot stop to notice,

A phantom or a ghost,

I was chasing a ghost,

Unreal and a lie,

I was not obvious any d none noticed,

As I passed and she ignored,

A ghost by her side.

How was your weekend?

broken clay close up crack
Photo by Martins Krastins on Pexels.com

How was your weekend?
Or how was your day?
A simple one line question that I have trouble to answer,
Without telling a lie,
“Good. How about yours?”
I am guilty as charged every time I answered,

Why I can’t tell the truth?
If you are okay, I should say I am okay,
If I am not okay, I should just say I am not okay,
Good argument but never ever in my life I said I am not okay,
Other will just let it slide,
They will inquire more and I don’t want to talk about it,
Some will be flustered by my response,

I never really okay,
I don’t even remember when was the last time I feel okay,
When was the last time I feel energetic to wake up,
All I ever got was you look tired and sleepy,
Did you slept late?
“I am just tired.”
And accompanied by a whisper in my brain added,
“Of living.”

A struggle that no one understand,
Other would just see it as lazy,
Other who don’t understand will be clueless,
Saw me as problematic,
Saw me as extreme,
Saw me as not normal,
And hard to work with,
Triggering conflicts again and again,

I need a rest, a long rest,
Away from the upset mind and clouded clarity,
Away from all that I once considered matter,
Away from here,
A resting place that is not here.

Find me at:

Instagram: Follow Ally L Mare Instagram
Twitter: @allylmare on Twitter
Facebook: Write Ally! Write! Official Facebook

We all have our own history

black and white black and white depressed depression
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

We all have our own history,
Embedded inside our memory,
Things can be forgotten, probably,
The most precious remains eternally,

And some part of it shackled us,
Haunting us daily trying to murder us,
No escape route, it is dangerous,
We tell them, they say, “Please don’t make a fuss”.

I keep asking myself

horror crime death psychopath
Photo by Tookapic on Pexels.com

I keep asking myself,
What holding me back?
Is it bravery?
Or am I scared?
So many escapes,
One over here and there,
Can’t it be anywhere?
I am overthinking,
When the path is easy,
Some just a leap away,
While others take a step,
A stab, a puff, a jab,
A momentary wings,
A mouthful of pills,
Where is my part,
No scars on my heart,

I am pitiful,
Playing the victim,
I am still young,
I can do many things,
Opportunities waiting,
Why age matters?
When the soul is old,
Weary and tired,
Pressured and swamped,
When I’m still here,
And I’m being selfish,

What do I have now?
One is a family,
Two is a girlfriend,
Three is a job,
Four is a life,
Four is a lie,
I feel lifeless,
Misery is borderless,
My mind is powerless,
Isn’t it obvious,
How one can suffer,
From his own mind,

Of the office room

men working at night
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A normal work day,
In a busy room,
The swooshing air-cond,
The printing machines,
The faint radio,
The tapping keyboards,
The chirping chatter,
Deafening the room,

But he is trembling,
And deeply frightened,
Of anxiety,
He can clearly hear,
His throbbing heartbeats,
His rushing blood veins,
His tingling dry skin,
His shaking scared gut,
His loud insane mind,

Louder than the sound,
Of the office room.

End me now don’t let me go too far

Image from: rebloggy.com

My imagination is always black,
My eyes half closed I look tired and mad,
My slow voice you told me I am whispering,
For every commands into my ears leaves me trembling,

My perspective only focus on one thing,
My brain shut down I was thinking of nothing,
My hearts are soft but it hurt and killing,
Inner voice persuades me to go straight to the ending,

I may win all the battles,
But I am losing this one war,
Why I bother with all the hassles,
End me now don’t let me go too far.

Short Story: The Witness

adult alone black and white blur
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

The Witness.
by Ally L.

It is quite late as Amy entering the 24-hours stores to get something for her hunger state condition. As she entered, it triggers the door chime and the store staff greets her with the most friendly smile followed by their greeting slogan. Amy head straight to the chips rack hoping to find something to her liking. She turn around and starting to browse the chocolates and candies offered. Right now she is hungry and yet she shows no interest and have no idea what should she get. She walks to the next section where the instant noodles cleverly arranged.

While she slowly go through the various brands and flavors of instant noodles. Ranging from different prices and sizes. Another customer entered and the door chimed with the staff greets as the new customer walks to the counter. Amy slightly turn to peek at the new customer. She saw a tall guy wearing quite thick jacket with dark colored muffler and talking to the employee on the counter. She ignored them as she found an attractive packaging of instant cup noodle. She grabbed the cup and focusing on the layout, it says ‘Super Spicy Kimchi Flavored’ packed with striking red color.

As she heading to the counter she was quite surprised that there are now three person around the cashier counter and somehow the staff  was kinda intimidated by the three of them. Amy quickly try to hide and at the same time curious on what is happening right now. She tried to listen carefully on what the conversation all about as her distance is just few feet away and the only thing that blocked them from seeing her are the tall racks inside the store. She tried her best to get near and listen without being detected. She heard the voice of the staff speaking in a shaky and scared manner. She is being very cautious now as she suspects that  the three guys are trying to rob the store.

Their voices are getting louder and followed by shoutings. As the staff lean away from the counter but one guy who came earlier walking towards him. Amy heard the clearly the staff shouting asking him to stay away and do not come near. The other two guys seems to be looking around the store and almost caught glimpse of Amy’s  presence. Amy getting more panic and slowly sitting down. She embraced her legs and rest her chin on her knee. What can she do at this time, thinking how to react in this situation. The earlier cold nights turn sweaty and nerve wracking for her and all sort of situations popped out of her head. She is getting more anxious as she heard footsteps coming towards the racks. She can’t just sit there, she have to do something but what can she do now. She heard nothing from the store counter as she more occupied with the presence of the footsteps  meaning that one of the robbers coming to check the store. Slowly she stepped aside and try to move further away without being noticed.

The footsteps are  walking away now. She felt relieved but it is not over yet  for her. She needs to find a way to get outside and run. Then she saw a red door and she believe that this door is her way out from the store. It is the door to the store’s office and there must be a back door. She slowly crouch towards the door because if she stands she will be caught because the door located quite near to the store counter. Suddenly, she heard a gunshot and she was startled and the rack on her right shaking then dropped few packets of candies. The robbers were alerted and slowly approaching her. Amy getting worried as she can feel how bad it will be if she get caught. There are no other options for her, she needs to decide what to do before they manage to catch her. Without having any second thoughts, she bolted to the store’s office and quickly the two guys who were looking for her managed to see her but Amy right now are on the other side of the door and locked herself in there.

The two robbers rushed to the door and knocking the door. Amy could hear them ordering her to open the door or they will break the door. Amy getting desperate and scared. She holds the doorknob tightly and unable to think straight what she should do next. There are no positive thoughts in her head right now and only the worst thing popped out. She turned around and looking for something to buy her some time before the robbers decide to break the door. The office is quite tidy and organized and she found the working table and tried to push it against the door. That would help her for the moment. Loud knocking with shouting telling her to get out and the shaking of the door made Amy clueless on what her next action would be. Then she remembered the back door she was planning to use earlier, it should be in this room. She searched the room and looking for the door. She found one located far behind and run for it. She reached the doorknob and it is locked.

The banging on the door getting louder and louder. Amy believes the robbers might be breaking the door soon. Amy tried her best to open the door but it is locked. Amy looked around and search for some key that she can use, searching from wall to wall for key hanger. She cannot find such thing. She tried the drawers one by one. No keys at all. The door were opened a bit and she is now scared to death and trying to scream. She can’t think of anything else except the fact that her life now is in danger. Worst things flashes in front of her as she is trembling throughout her body.  Her knees became weak and shaken and she dropped both to the ground. The door then smashed so hard that it broke and the two robbers pushed the table that Amy had used to blocked the door. Amy can only scream and tears falling endlessly as she try to get up but her mind feel blank and empty. She does not know what can she do now.

As the two robbers almost done pushing the table aside, Amy let out a scream and run straight towards one of the robbers who were in front of her. She headbutt the robber and the impact landed on the chest and made three of them fall down. Amy does not stop there, then with all her might she stand up and stomped on the face of the robber that she was atop off. First stomp and the robber getting confused and feel blood flowing from his nose, Amy stomped for the second time and precisely hit his mouth. Amy broke few tooth and the robber passed out due to the shock and gruesome pain. Amy looked at the second robber who already on his stand. The robber looked scared and lost on how a girl can get  so brave and violent. His hand is shaking and the plan was not to hurt anyone but now he know if he does not do anything, he might end up like his friend covered in blood.

He warned Amy if she do anything stupid he is going to hurt her. Amy is fearless now, as her blank mind only think of surviving and she managed to take down one of them so she have the confidence at the same time. Ignoring his warning Amy slowly walked slowly then rushes towards him. She tried to do the same thing she did earlier but the robber managed to stopped her by holding her body and he slam Amy to the ground. Despite the pain of falling her head and body to the tiles, Amy grabbed his arms and forcefully push it up and strike his left waist with her knee. The attack barely flinched him because of the thick clothes he wore. Now the robber slapped Amy with his right hand, the slapped was so hard that Amy feels numb on her left cheek.

With a scream Amy managed to reached the robber’s face with her hands and scratch his face, with his furious voice and calling Amy a bitch the guy wrapped  his hand at her neck and strangled her hard. Amy feel pain and suffocating at the same time, she does not want to give up here. All she wants now is to run away and stay alive but the situation she is facing right now is tight. Amy placed her hands again to his face and forcefully push her thumbs to his eyes. For Amy, she needs to do everything she can right now and there are no other options. The pain of his eyeballs getting pushed is uncomfortable and punishing, he let go of his hand from strangling her and screaming from the excruciating pain. While he steps backward Amy who was still on the ground kicked his crotch and his scream stopped. The feeling of  pain on his eyes and crotch right now left him nothing but pain that run through all his body from top to bottom. He then fell down and passed out.

Amy did it and she try to recover by standing up but halfway her hair was grabbed and she screamed immediately. She forgot about the robber in the store counter. If he is here then what happened to the staff, did he killed him are the thoughts playing in her head. He dragged her back into the staff room. The pain is unbearable to Amy as her hair being pulled and forcefully dragged for few meters. If she struggles, the pain are doubled or more and she feels hopeless now. She barely feel her tears now as her anger infuriates her more. She have to do something to escape and end this misery.

He tied her hand and force her to sit down. The robber said something and slapped her few times and she can feel her lips bleeding now. Amy look at him with her furious look and the robber feel hesitated on what he should do with her. He punched her at the stomach made Amy feel pain and weaker. The robber asked her if she wants another one, Amy looked at him and screamed angrily. He landed another slap but this time Amy not even flinching but she gathered all her strength and leaps forward. Both of them fell down and Amy fell on the top of him. Amy then head but his nose few times before he pushed Amy aside. Then the robber stand up and kicked Amy on her chest then her stomach. The only word coming out from him is die, die, die and die.

After he let his final kick, he walks away and leave the room. He heard sirens from the outside and getting panicked. He rushes towards the back door but it was locked. He kicked the door over and over again but the door does not even budged. Amy slowly stand up while the robber trying forcefully opening the door. Amy rushes to him and managed to land an impact that made the robber backed to the door and Amy kicked his leg just above the knee and he forcefully kneeing and Amy let out another kick to his face. Just after that the police came in and rushingly handcuffed the robber and attend Amy.

It was a night that Amy would remember for the rest of her life. She was slapped, punched and kicked with blood dripping from her lips. Her quiet and hungry night turned out to be something that she have never expected in her life. Something that she would never ever wanted to happen again. She is thankful to be given the chance to get through from all that. Instead of just being a witness, she is the heroine who took down three man robbers alone.

Hi guys! Just a little bit info on the short story. I wrote this short story before I have the blog and I realized that I had it all this long in my Google Drive. Sorry for the lack of post but I think I can do this much for now.

Sorry if there are errors, do enjoy and let me know how it goes!

Ally’s Thoughts: Orange (2016)

Source: /www.amefuriblog.com.br

Hi everyone,

Few days ago, I found this wonderful anime in Netflix. It was a short 13 episodes anime but the impact it brought upon my unstable mind was big. A little bit of synopsis on the anime.

In Matsumoto, Naho Takamiya, a second year high school student, receives letters sent from herself 10 years into the future. Her future self asks her to prevent her “biggest regrets”, which has something to do with the new transfer student from Tokyo, a boy named Kakeru Naruse.

Be reminded that this is not a review. Ally’s thoughts are mostly about my thoughts on certain matters and in this post, it is about an anime. Personally for me, this anime is not just an ordinary ‘slice of life’ genre. It talks about something specific as we human sometimes casually did, being in regret.

In our every day life, we tend to feel regret over many things. The regret can came from small mundane and trifle matters or it can be something really big that changed our life forever. Be it small or big, having regrets can be painful and unbearable.

There are so many regrets in the anime that was brought up, regrets that cannot be changed even after years of their life. One particular character that I want to share is Kakeru Naruse, the guy that the others were trying to save. Why they need to save him? Let’s just say that they, which is his classmates later turned friends were regretting over his death even after 10 years later. So, they intended to save his life from death. It was years later after Kakeru’s death that they learned, it was not an accident but a suicide.

For those who have similar thoughts like Kakeru, you will mostly familiar on how Kakeru felt about his life. He thought that it was his fault his mother passed away, because of suicide. He felt guilty and grief over it. He made bad choices and unable to speak out to his friends. He can only laugh it out and no one was able to penetrate deep into his heart. That is where things get ugly and he decided its not worth it anymore.

From my perspective, I totally understand how it feels. There are times when I feel that is it worth it to keep on going? I have so many regrets and its scary that it came back to haunts me. I just don’t know whats best for me. Maybe I don’t deserves the best. Maybe I don’t deserves anything. Slowly I hate myself, for making mistakes, for having regrets, for being me. I am unable to  pick myself up.

Whenever I go out, meeting people, I laugh and enjoy it but when I am all alone, I am alone. No one is around to listen or to share how I feel. The feel of being engulfed by darkness and loneliness are the things that I have to face daily. It overwhelms everything that I did to help myself.

Then I started to think of ending all these. Why I should be facing things like this? As I keep going, I realized that I keep repeating the same mistakes. Whats good from all this? Isn’t it much easier if I am no longer here? These questions keeps playing inside my head. A war between consciousness and running away from reality.

I am not sure of where I am now when it comes to this emotion. There are times I feel I should just go away but I don’t know what anchors me down. Maybe because I complaint little and made myself numb over things. Maybe I want to be a robot but a little piece of my heart said… I have dreams and hopes. Things to look forward. However, all those requires me to give effort and it feels troublesome.

In the end, I don’t know…

As a conclusion, I hope all of you are doing well. I am left speechless after giving my thoughts. I felt that I dig my own graves.

All the best!