Ally’s Thoughts: The Loneliness Of Not Understanding

Hi friends and readers.

I hope you are doing well and healthy. There is a topic in my mind that have been poking me to write it down. Earlier, there was this conversation between someone that is close with a relative. The topic was about me, and this person couldn’t really explain well what I do.

I felt the heaviness in my chest after my brain decided to process the conversation. It made me remember all the things I thought I have forgotten. The childhood that made me this way. The respond and conversation that I made me feel denied of everything.

A friend shared this post from Instagram and I can’t help to feel overwhelmed.

//www.instagram.com/embed.js

The post hits me close. Imagine after all those years, and some of us are really struggling to open up. Is it mendable? Is it possible to even have this trust again? The scenario that running through my head is how heartbreaking it would be to them for not opening up. Worse when we told them that we don’t really trust them and how the connection is not as close as they think. The thoughts of, how ungrateful I could be!

What kind of feeling that have been stirring inside me? The thought of being torn and unable to feel anything around them and the feel that I am faking everything messed me up. It feels a lot more horrible when others could understand you better.

I think this thought of loneliness not only came from being alone but from the people around you that don’t understand you. They denied your thoughts and concerns for a long time. And when the time really comes, you rather keep it silent.

The song Headlights by Eminem feat Nate Ruess was so relatable and I feel like sharing it with everyone. I’m unable to really deliver the words in my head and I only feel like writing this much. Sorry for the bad words, sentences, or grammar. I really just want to write my thoughts down so much. At least to feel a little bit lighter.

And be your own sun.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Did you asked the question today,
Why you are being hard on yourself?
You don’t have to,
Even if the whole world want you to,

They can break you down,
Torn you apart,
But you will always be,
The one that stand up again,

You will be the one,
To treat yourself,
And fight to get better,
To stay awake when the world asleep,

You should know better,
To live right now,
Is to feel happier,
And be your own sun.

Pen it down for eternity

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I don’t want to write,
About love and heartbreak,
Because all this pain,
Never really leave,

I’ve been busy fighting war,
And facing all the battles,
Inside my head,
And it’s killing me,

Same with the others,
Struggling with their own,
Grasping a hard earn victory,
Some cost them, their sanity,

And let my words,
Pen it down for eternity.

I couldn’t be with you

Photo by Joseph Redfield on Pexels.com

I spent too much time alone,
Casually talking to myself,
About all the things going on,
And all the thoughts in my head,

Like when I look back,
Of all the time I had,
Too many things happened,
Too little time to react,

Like when I think of the future,
With nothing else to hold on,
Without strength to be sure,
And I will always be alone,

Like when I think about the present,
All the things I couldn’t do,
And a hundred more reasons,
I couldn’t be with you.

For a long time.

Photo by Luis Quintero on Pexels.com

Allow me to take you,
To a fantasy of mine,
Where the world you see,
Is not the world you knew,

It is not the world,
I am familiar with too,
It is a where, happiness,
Is what really matter,

There you will see me,
Shine with bright smiles.
You will see yourself,
To be the happiest,

But that’s where it ends,
Because I can’t imagine further,
It is something that I haven’t tasted,
For a long time.

The door for me is lost

Photo by Henry & Co. on Pexels.com

I’m having a hard time to relate,
With all the sadness from a heartbreak,
Of all the people around me,
I’ve been there and it was sick,

I’m not being condescending,
Your pain and suffering is valid too,
It’s just the pain in me stop responding,
Because I’m losing my rationality too,

As much as I’m done with loneliness,
Thinking my life is meaningless,
I’m tired of thinking hopes,
The door for me is lost